?

Log in

The Den

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Tuesday, August 10th, 2004
2:51 am - The Book is begun.
I have no need of this journal any more; it shall be discontinued.
It has served its purpose wonderfully, but the call of the paper is stronger. I shall still be reading what I find interesting here about though, of course, but I shall no longer update this journal. Thank you, my precious mirror. You were worth the five dollars!

(comment on this)

2:13 am - Resurgence.
A surge of inspiration struck in the aftermath of candles and tears. I think I taught myself a valuable lesson today through a medium I had stowed away for just a night such as this. I brought it out now, and I am inching towards fearlessness. I am a little more capable of pursuing the ghosts of ideals and dreams.

Inspiration was sparked, a door opened, yet I feel restless, and said ghosts remain ghosts. That is the flaw of drawing power from an imaginary source. Then again, I am the master of illusions, and will manage to solidify it in time. For now.. I shall go outside and write some words. Into the nearby park and catch words with my pen.

Then I'm going to sit down and digest this again. I burn my old book today, and open a new one - this one is blue, the old one was yellow. I was told my soul was blue, once. I need somewhere to burn it though.. Perhaps I'll burn it later.

Out I go though. More thoughts later.

current mood: True

(comment on this)

Thursday, August 5th, 2004
9:20 pm - A silly thing. I usually don't do silly things!
Joinked from Ssthisto, who nicked it from Hotspur, who again stole it from Maly.

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"darkens the sky, sending many workers back to their"

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
Wood. A closet. How dreadfully boring!

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Poo if I know, I dun watch that box! Saw King Arthur at the theatre lately'est.

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is:
21:11 (or 9:11pm for you silly English and the rest)

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
21:23 (or 9:23pm for you who refuse to adopt the 24-hour clock)

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Faint music from a computer upstairs, the wind.

7: When did you last step outside?
To grab some stuff at the local convenience store an hour and a half ago.

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
Uh, that's pretty irrelevant. But to be very technical, I read Dark Ages: Werewolf!

9: What are you wearing?
Naughty.. Well, black cotton pants, black socks, black and blue-funky silk shirt that looks really pr0n. I can't be blamed, it's comfortable! >.<;

10: Did you dream last night?
Oh hell yes!

11: When did you last laugh?
Ugh. Long ago? Perhaps right after I saw King Arthur. That was hilarious in many ways.

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Wood. A Pondus-calendar.. Dragons of the World poster. A dragon candleabra-thingie. Three paintings/drawings by friends. Three Calvin & Hobbes drawingses.

13: Seen anything weird lately?
Not really. Trust me. After the dream I had last night most things seem pretty damn normal and boring.

current mood: excited

(comment on this)

Friday, July 23rd, 2004
1:36 am - Young and Clueless.
Thanks big bro. You'll probably never read this, and if you read this you'll probably go all "wtf, mate?" about it, if you even figure out this is me, which - again - you won't. It'll never even come close to that, but never mind you that.

I guess sometimes I need to reflect upon my own thoughts in a manner beyond that which I do while in bed or in this here chair in front of my computer. The occasional "Yah.", "You'll probably figure that out", and "You'll find a way" is more helpful than I had previously believed. Of course, following this comes a long Retreat for this Treat - this has a personal meaning but sounds like nonsense, be sure - but that is not central right now.

I have been urging myself to find out what I want to do with my life, to find a direction, to find purpose - and so forth for a while now. More than once have I cried "Eureka!" too soon, only to sink back into what I considered "bad old habits" again, and scolding myself for doing just that.
I now consider both that I simply might not be ready for a great change just yet, beyond that which goes on outside that I dictate, and the possibility that the stress to change my own ways might hamper the natural change that is far preferrable to forced change. Forced change leaves scars; I already bear some scars I'd rather be rid of, though I am not sure I can blame that on this. I just know that I do not want sad memories of the kind that never goes away with time. The passing of time is all-powerful indeed, but as I am confined to experience a limited period of this eternal tick-tock - or atleast the memories that inhabit this body - I would not mar my being excessively.

Concluding this here, I will let things happen at their own pace. This does not mean I shall hold back and stay home when I could be out experiencing greater things in both a figurative and literal sense - far from it! - but the advice I now give myself and would do well to heed is that I shall no longer seek to change myself hastily solely for the purpose of changing, but instead let it come to me. Not unaided, not forced.

I think I want a new pencil and some paper. Perhaps a laptop. Also, I want a pair of glasses. Or maybe not - the sun's sting in my eyes can be pleasant and is a source of endless metaphores. No glasses, but still, I want that pencil. Mechanical pencil and some good paper. And I want a few hours in the Foxwoods, or perhaps I'll even settle for a café, or a bench in the park outside the church.

Effectively I'll stop blaming myself, and stop shifting said blame over on my environs. I sometimes came close to being angry with myself, and anger is an emotion, a trait I have not held in pure and true form for as long as I remember, and I would like to keep it that way. I want to write about anger tomorrow.

For now, have still a wonderful day, or rest well and without dreams.

current mood: calm

(comment on this)

Sunday, July 11th, 2004
11:16 am - Eleven Eleven.
That's the time now - eleven eleven AM, and I now notice that parents are good for something, that they have a single 1pt-Merit. A face to glance over to a mumble "Good morning" to. Of course, anything -but- parents would be preferable to mutter your gruff morning-sayings to, it's just that I felt slightly lonely when waking up without even them around.

Right now, it's shower-time, then I need to write some stuff, and I am off to somewhere. Love that word - "some". Oh, and Love Hina is great.

current mood: rejuvenated

(comment on this)

Monday, May 24th, 2004
2:40 pm - Hate dreams.
Few things can be as unsettling as dreams - dreams like these, anyhow.
Dreaming of your friends' deaths is horrible, and I have had such dreams, but never before have I dreamt of my own death, and of what came afterwards. It was.. new in many ways, and now I understand frustration. How is it to be a ghost, unable to communicate with anyone - unable to make anyone acknowledge your presence and existence? Now I know, and it was horrible. Well, I guess I did not exist at that point, merely a spectral half-existence, but the pain was quite real. I was able to communicate only with other spirits - something of a community of ghosts much like this here beloved internet, but I saw that this would not entertain me forever. I was able to start conversations between people somehow, and I fed off the sadness generated by their words about me.

I wish I had woken up sooner.

current mood: restless

(comment on this)

Thursday, May 13th, 2004
12:24 am - Gem.
Knowledge is Power, yes, but not directly. I have vast amounts of knowledge but a mystery to me still is the binding between those. The Knowledge to Power, the cogwheels and rubberbands that combine the motor that is knowledge to whichever kitchen-appliance one can cleverly compare power to. In a relative sense. I have some rubber-bands, be sure, heh.
--
Frustrated beyond belief thanks to feelings that make no sense. Jealousy stands strongest among my vices, this I have learned. I may smile and nod as do they, but how can I be sure feelings are mutual? How do I know friendships I have come to count on are two-way?
--
I claim I am a worse person than I am, I see that now. I no longer fear when I turn around that I am indeed laughed at. I know I am appreciated, and should I be faulted, I will deal with that in my own way. Not that it will happen.
--
I walked slowly home today, I used shorter, more deliberate steps than usual, and came home to an empty house. I was sad when I reached "home" - it was cold and refreshing outside. I wonder for how much longer there will be an outside to speak of.
--
Facets. All facets of the same gem. Remove the gem and see that I saw a movie with my friends.
Today I learned somethink about the Gem, but I am too tired to think about that now. I intend to sleep on it! I hope I dream. I haven't had a comprehensive dream for a long while.

current mood: good

(comment on this)

Sunday, May 9th, 2004
12:32 am - Mother of all Rants?
Thinking to make this something of a final rant. A conclusive one, to put down on paper what is hidden in mind, the true gripes about my current situation and the reason for my genocidal wishes.

I am something of a jack of all trades, but more than that, stronger stands the other part of the saying. Master of None. I have no field, I have not found the defining aspect of what makes up Me, the I, and I think to be content I must have a domein I can consider truly my own.

On something of a relevant sidenote comes the people I am surrounded with on a weekly basis. Some are, some more unwittingly than others, domineering by nature, which does not exactly help make the problem smaller, as they are quick to attempt to assert dominance. My nature, it should be said, is resilient to a point I think noone really fathoms. I care not for dominant antics and can easily shrug off, laughing, these tendencies when they go beyond being a reasonable aspect of a personality, rather becoming ridiculous. Even then, it does still bother me, though.

No, the true problem is not external. Wise people know better than to blame others for their own shortcomings, and among my gifts I count wisdom and introspection. Gifts at times, but just as often they prove to be curses, as illusions are a huge part of my existance. I am a filthy good liar, but lying to myself is made harder given my introspection.

The real problem is lethargy. Not as in simple bodily laziness - I am in no way a lazy person in that respect - but something deeper, a tiredness or lazyness tied to my feelings. I try to blame this on not yet having found my field. (Whether or not you should rely on innate talent or forge your own is discussable) I spend hours every day detached from whichever task at hand that I am supposed to be attending, instead simply thinking.

I think, I think and I think, finding answers that never add up to make much sense. Most answers are personal and apply to the illusions I shroud myself in. Illusion, or truth. Truth, really. Yet I still don't get shit done by thought alone.

I say I'd like to be an able pencil-artist, work on the little talent a friend once said I had. Yet I don't. There is no passion.
Some call me or think of me as an able writer. On my computer desktop lie a multitude of .pdf handouts on active form and the like. I write only things like these. The longest story I ever wrote was four pages long.
I have never taken a serious job. I have been about as physically active as a rock at the bottom of a hill.
I fancy myself one who feels true love for nature, that Her pain is my pains. I can hardly be bothered to take a walk in the nearby park in favor of staring at the wall.
I always end up playing games on my computer. Old games, new games - it matters not. I sit there only because I do not do anything else.

In short, I am very capable. This I know. Yet I have no passion, no drive. It could be said one should get up and try, yet I quit football, never attended martial arts training beyond the first lesson, and said "not thanks" to an offer to join a band. Maybe it is a fatalist statement, but I don't think I could have acted differently. Possibly fatalism is the reason I have no drive, or maybe it is the result of a dispassionate lifestyle.

I try to think back. I wonder if it was different two years ago. I think it was. Back then, I loved, I had passion, but I still did not do much. Cowardice was the limiting factor then. Then I lost it all, and here I am. Hardened and impossible to get to.
Again, I cannot even be bothered to be sad about this, and I'm not empty either, just profoundly lethargic and apathetic. Soul-lazyness. Wish there was a better word for it.
I feel like I am fifty years old thirty-two years early. I need to snap out of a two-year old, fortified state of lethargy, fast, before it is too late. I already feel that it's not that important to get out of it, which ironically is the biggest proof of its urgency.

I need to help myself, fast. But hey, I can whistle pretty well.

current mood: apathetic

(comment on this)

Monday, April 26th, 2004
11:52 pm - Et moi?
I live half a life right now. A demi-life. Half-life, eh?
My current existence is worthy of lenghty contemplation, and I have given it that. The question is, when does said contemplation come to an end? I can no longer find my focus - does this mean things must come to an end, or need I search harder? Seals and closed eyes bear no fruit. Instead of tuning in to myself, I simply become more aware of my surroundings.

I have indeed put my life on hold. I did that long ago, and I must consider carefully the merits of continuing it. Right now, Anime and Manga prove decent substitutes for a life.
Of course, by saying that my life is on hold, I mean only a few select internal affairs. I am as social/asocial and active/inactive as normal. It is not half as serious as it sounds. It is just the fact that I cannot get anywhere with some ideas of mine that bothers me. Hard to explain, of course.

Hm. That is really all I feel like writing now. Demon Diaries waiting for me. *Tosses a wink at a certain female* *^^*

current mood: geeky

(comment on this)

Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
11:59 pm - Bright monitor in dark room burns eyes. Delicious.
Mind of Stone. There are only two things to be harnessed from this chunk or rock now - this is realistic, not pessimistic. I suspect, however, they are easy to get confused.

Body of Stone. Some of my inflated introverted ego stems from here, too. Little more to be said.
This leaves one element. That element is the essence.

Hm. There are too many thoughts. I will not possibly cover it all. And I wonder how much my extroverted side will give out before the introvert stops it. Probably this much. I have always wondered why people write journals like this - myself included, obviously. I also wonder why I care, because I do, and that is how it is.

On another note, I realized today that I must have been slightly afraid of the dark before. I see that I must have had some shred of fear, though I refused to acknowledge it. It's fine, really. It is, for some reason, gone now. I leant on a tree over a passing stream, and felt peace for a moment, and saw this.

I also see I might have to do something quite ironic, in my humble opinion. If I am to get closer, I need to distance myself from it. That is, I might want a motorbike to get far away - then again, a good bike can do the same. Might check what bikes cost tomorrow.

Dear. I dare not try to get an overview of whatever crap I have typed down here now. I feel a little better right now. I learned a little bit more about myself today, and I learned of my own power. I need not even myself.

With that, goodnight. I shall crawl under my covers. Oh, and before I do that, I'd just like to give a quick, yet very sincere "Crap. Sorry?" to those I know by online friendship only, for not having been online for quite some time. Bear with me, please, as I am obviously a little busy these days, in more ways than one. Schoolwork is out of the way starting Wednesday tho.

Spiritpaws, eh?

Night!

(comment on this)

Monday, April 19th, 2004
12:58 am - Ghost.
I feel good, really. I feel a smile creeping up on me. I feel a smile lurking just beyond the next corner - a smile that is beyond any mortal or immortal's grasp. It is my reply to just about anything directed at me these days, and it feels good.

Not been much online lately - lots of schoolwork during weekdays lately, honest work, and had a boys'night og games and stuff today. Hope to get some time tomorrow!

Anyhow, too tired right now. Going to sleep, then wake up smiling again.
I -am- superior.

current mood: high

(1 comment | comment on this)

Monday, April 12th, 2004
2:55 am - Circles.
Circles, circles, circles. Walking in circles, talking in circles - thinking in circles and living in one of the bloody hoops myself. I wonder where the blame lies.
Is it in the past - should I stop looking back? Is it in my nature to ponder; should I hold this back? Regardless of the answer, I am now annoyed at my inability to reach decisions, my disfunctional shell-self being unable to act upon the matters at hand, namely what I am to do next year.

This is, surely, an annoyance and all - but truth be said it is powerless as far as depressions go. I cannot be brought down right now. Not sure why, but I generally feel very good. Annoyed, yes. Good, yes. And a little worried, too - I have all but lost my ability to think!
I sat staring at a candle-flame for the better part of half an hour or so today, while with my friends. I am unsure whether it is because I focused too much on what they were talking about, or due to me being transfixed, mesmerized by the beauty of the blues and pale yellows of the base of the flame - whichever of the two, I was unable to .. to think.

I expect noone will understand what I mean by thinking - maybe just as well. It's just that I've spent a lot of time thinking about specific matters in a specific way over the years.
Is the poetry lost, cheesy as though it may sound?

Still not worried.

current mood: content

(comment on this)

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004
2:41 am
Yeah, back now. That's all. I found no answers, which bothers me, naturally, but what bothers me more is that I did see that no amount of thinking can find answers to the questions before me concerning my future.
I think.. I need sleep, most of all. The majority of my "negative posts" do occur at nighttime.
Toodles!

current mood: disappointed

(comment on this)

1:28 am
It's about half past one AM now, and I am on my way out the door. I was thinking a walk should be positive for the thought-processes. Bringing along a few trinkets, just in case.
I consider, or considered myself at peace with my own being, but either I am wrong, or being restlessly contemplative (chew on that, me) is my fate. In this case, an anime-series made me think. Far too much. I hope I will be wiser when I get back - I'll either walk until tomorrow morning, or, more likely, just wander around in the nearby park until I get tired and go to bed.

Hm.. I am off, though. I hope that I will find peace someday - if the only peace for me lies in death, this life is going to blow, seriously. No, I am not being suicidal or gloomy, I just wish I had .. fewer ties, yet still something to hold on to.
Perhaps the power I hold over my own mind will suffice. Perhaps I can be happy under my own spells and illusions, thinking I am content with my current situation?

Also, I must figure out why I post this. When I get back.

current mood: restless

(comment on this)

Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
1:19 am - Diminishing.
That is, I am writing less and less in this here journal of mine. I am very well aware that it will get "better" with time, because my inspiration to display my feelings for the moment here is not a constant thing, but something that comes in waves.

However, the past few days, when I have had rather negative thoughts and impulses, I sat down to write them here - but then it occured to me that it might not be such a good idea. If I think best though pen on paper (or paw-digits on keyboard), is it wise to sink deeper into the depressions, as has been my habit for the past.. hm. Four years now? (Okay, more like three and a half, and only a year or so on Ell-Jay) Does it not make more sense to refrain from doing so, and forget it?

Or is my tactic of simply absorbing pain impossible to run over longer periods of time? Writing here is not venting, I see now.

Um.. This probably makes sense to me, and only me, that last bit. Nevermind that, hee. Gonna read this tomorrow and see if I can follow my own words - I am really curious. Right now, however, I am curious to see what this yoghurt might feel like inside my tummy, then some OJ, followed by locking myself up in this room and watching anime.

I am slightly "house-frightened" (direct translation from a Norwegian expression). The darkest wood can not frighten me much, for reasons obvious, but being alone in this big house of ours is icky..
Why? Darkness should be no less scary than light, and as such, corners unseen and .. hm. Okay, I lost myself, but my point is that I should be able to stop this with logic. I am not good at logic though. Logic, maths and such is not my thing, nor is the physical shit.

Um.. Tired. Anime-time!

current mood: uncomfortable

(comment on this)

Sunday, March 28th, 2004
12:33 pm - Stuff.
Actually, it is about stuff. It is in my belief that stuff - things and bits - happens to other people. I look back at my life and see absolutely nothing out of the norm that has happened in my life. Of course, I have had good times, amazing times, horrible weeks and absolutely devastating months, but that is nothing in itself. I am talking about the huge events, the things that either scar you for life, or change you completely in a positive way. It just does not happen to me.

"Nothing amazing. Just the norm", quoting the most nonsensical and wacky anime ever, Furikuri (FLCL).

What do I think of this? What do I make of waking up at 11:10am, standing in the middle of my room, staring at nothing while I wonder what I do until I head out of the house for the day? Do I wish more stuff happened in my life, or am I content?
In my computer, my books and the pen and papers I need to write on my own, I have varying degrees of mindless entertainment availible at all times, and I spend most of my waking hours on one of these joystations. Mostly the computer. It works, to a degree, because it is something to do, and time flies, but ultimately, I am left with little for it. If I had enough resolve - and if it had not cost me this bloody much toil and money to get it, but enough semi-impertinent comments on the side now - I would have tossed it out the window gleefully, but I cannot. It would change little.

There are dangers with the whole philosophy I present. I assume nothing horrible will happen either, and indeed, one who walks around waiting for disaster will have a very sad life, but does this mean I will be unprepared? Not that I think it will get to me, no matter what will happen. This I proved .. three years ago, was it? And once again one year and ten months ago.

Despite the words, I am everything but unhappy right now. Neither unhappy nor "resigned to my horrible fate", as I tend to be after rants. No, I simply wonder the merits of a quiet life. So many years have passed without those amazing occurences, I wonder if they will come later, and I wonder what I missed. Way too early to have a mid-life crisis at the age of eighteen, though, and I am intelligent enough not to cry for past moments, as it yields nothing.
Just wondering. I ask these questions into the wind, as I tried asking myself, but found no answer. Right now, I feel.. like taking a shower, having a glass of water, then playing Warcraft III for an hour or so before I rethink my course. Nothing wrong with that plan.. Execute!

current mood: contemplative

(comment on this)

Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
7:58 am - Guh!
Been a while since last update, and I certainly have not the time to update now, school being five minutes away (Well, the bus anyways, aiee!), but this will be a huge, beautiful post later today!

(12 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
5:25 pm - It's an update!
Only now realized how long it's been since I last updated this here 'log. It feels like it was only yesterday. (I have no shame)

You are born. Open your eyes and take a gander at your immediate surroundings. You are taught the ways of life, and shown what else the world has to offer. You grow up, and find a mate - unless you are weak, at which point you are killed/die of your own accord - you have cubs. The cubs open their eyes, and it starts all over again. Again, I have no shame, recycling words and presenting them in my own wrapping.

This is the cycle. The cycle exists for but one purpose; the continued existance of the cycle. Anything else is a bonus - not that there is anything else, 'cept in the case of humans, but they are another story, and I have no desire to discuss their spiral. No cycle, but a spiral.

Watching the cycle continue leads me to believe there must be something beyond the individual - beyond the species - that wills this to continue. In other words, a greater something dictating these many cycles and the greater cycle - both the individual ones and the general existance of it. Some humans have variations of this theory, though I have not heard it worded like this, trying to prove the existance of Gaia.
Gaia is a pretty name, so I guess I could call this yet another Gaia-theory. I doubt it is at all physical - to which point I believe at all I am unsure - but it does make sense. Then again, the Christians gave birth to "God" out of necessity and desire.

That's the post. I think this all very interesting, really!

current mood: curious

(comment on this)

Monday, February 9th, 2004
1:41 am - Title!
Okay! So, first off, sowwies Rev', for cutting you off like that; friends arrived at my place and I was in a bit of hurry. Well, I told you that in advance, but I still feel bad 'boot disappearing like dat. Sorry. >.<

That said, and hopefully forgiven, um.. Well, for a long while I've had in mind the desire to write a story. A long story; I fancy myself a writer, but I've yet to write anything longer than four pages of text concerning the same topic, unless we count research and such. So, for the past year and a half, maybe, I've been desperately looking for something I can write a story about! A friend of mine has written tens of thousands of words (sixty or so pages, was it?) on a story, and it made me realize somehow - not out of competitiveness or anything - that I need to start writing too, 'cause it must be great to have a story to just add to as you think of new stuff! A story without any immediate end..
Hard to explain, obviously.

Point is, I think I found it, and I expect to start writing soon. I just need to figure an angle of attack.

More "mundane" business-time! Today was the day when me, J and the Siblings all got together and concluded stuff about a comic we are making; A comic dealing with the adventures of an old D&D group. Well, more or less based on them, anyway, and I think it could be really great! Acourse, being me, I bring neither leadership nor useful input to the project, but hey, I can nod and tell'em what I think is cool, usually benefitting my own character. Um.. yeah! ^_^
We got stuff done! We divided the actions of the group into 20 parts, sessions or chapters, if you will, and plan to write them as such, until otherwise decided. We agreed what happened, how and when it happened, and whether or not those "what"'s are appropriate for comic-ization. I hope things will come of it.

Other than just getting stuff done, we also, well, mostly just hung/slung/sat around talking lazily, listening to CD's we've heard a thousand times before (and Discworld. Scared.). It was a very very lazy and very very pleasant evening. *^_^* Was a nice evening!

Erg.. And now to think of adventure! *Rifles through papers of a drow and shoots a glare at someone* ^_~

current mood: enthralled

(comment on this)

Sunday, February 8th, 2004
10:36 am - I promised myself I would not..
Take tests. That is, post tests here, but the one a certain Draconian friend of mine took was all too tempting, so I just had to try.

What Dragon Are You? by Brokenmoon
Name
Astrological Sign
Type of DragonFallen Dragon
Element You ControlLightning
Preferred EnvironmentTop of a mountain
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

(comment on this)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page
LiveJournal.com